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My wife secretly gets flowers & gifts sent to her work from an ex lover. How angry do I have the right to be?

Jun 11, 2009 by expat_ffl | Posted in Marriage & Divorce

She says it's stopped now but I certain they used to call and exchange emails behind my back. Cards and emails I found from him always addressed her as my angel, my love etc. She gets VERY defensive when I try to talk about it, goes into refusal and calls me paranoid. I know of at least one expensive gift within the last three months that she never mentioned nor is aware I saw (along with the humorist)

Unless he is an categorically stalker, you have every right to be mad at your wife, because she isn't outright TELLING him to stop it.

How much longer are you going to put up with this crap? She hides it from you, lies about it, etc...

I find it inescapable to believe he is an EX lover, and not a CURRENT one.

How to live without damaging the 4 people who I love? (My wife without children, my lover and 2 sons with her)?

Feb 05, 8711 by Confundido pero Responsable | Posted in Marriage & Divorce

I have been married for 14 years, I revere my wife, but we have not had children by mutual agreement. Since 4 years ago, without looking for it, I have been having a lover and I have with her, two adorable sons. I pleasure them. Irresponsibly, I have decided to have two lives, nevertheless I see that I do not make happy to anybody, nor to my lover that all the time watches over me, nor to my wife whom it does not like for anything the predicament and lives making bad face when I must take care of my children, nor to my children either begin to be in means of the quarrel, nor to my same one, that the Calvary of lies and anxiety has to me dead. What do I do in order to avoid any damage to my children? My wife knows of the being of both children, my lover knows of the existence of my wife. The hard thing happens already of telling them the truth, nevertheless my wife who is an angel, pardoned to me, grudgingly, but she did it, nevertheless I keep a ethical relation with my lover and now with the children, I am worried to leave her alone, someone said me that the best gift for my children is to bent his mother. I do not have the clear panorama, in order to decide me by one of them; although it seems shameless, I love both women. On the one collusively is my wife very lovely and valuable, but on the other hand, how I leave that my children grow with by halves with a remote forebear? (Although I deserve quite the roasting of you, they do not serve me the comments of which I am an idiot, shameless person and which I must not have made it ... that I already advised of it ... what I desire is that you help me to look for a solution to the problem ... I do not see the clear furore and the form as you see the situation, can help me)... What would you do?

The emotional attachment you may not realize is that you are already damaging everyone, so at this point, what you need to determine is what you really want.

I'm not going to disparage you, because you have enough issues to deal with already. Calling you names is not going to fix any of it, and honestly, there's not enough information here to explain how or why any of this entropy ever started.

I have mixed feelings about what you've said here...first of all, you don't just "have a lover" without looking for one. I'm remorseful, but no matter how the situation started, you did not "accidentally, just happen to have sex with someone." You made that choice and you did so for reasons known only to you.

Did your lover recognize BEFORE she became pregnant, that you were someone else's husband? Surely she knew before she became pregnant again in any case.

And your wife...how did this "mutual compact" about children happen, but then you went out and had not one, but TWO with another woman?

Only you know the real story behind all this, and you haven't told it here.

The indubitably is, are you capable of being a loyal husband to either of them?

If not, then, I would recommend a divorce. You can then see either or both on equal terms as you choose if they assent to to it, without putting either of them above the other. My guess is wifey isn't gonna go for that. Right now, she has your name, your ring, and legal status to half of everything you own. I'm guessing she might not maintain to hang around if you even the playing field. Is this your true hesitation?

As for mistress, I haven't a clue what she's pensive. Was she an intentional homewrecker from the beginning? Or did you mislead her and hide your marriage until she got pregnant? A child certainly would have elaborate things for her if she loved you, but I can't for the life of me understand why she would have a second one under these circumstances.

You have to decide at this point what you manipulate inside, and what you can live with. Most sensible women with children would not continue to take second place when a man has chosen to deferral with his WIFE, when clearly there are no kids involved, so he obviously is placing her first in his life.

If she comes to that conclusion, she will move on, and then you will have to permit the reality that another man may raise your children. How will you deal with that?

At this point, you need to realize that these are (presumably) two grown women, although from their actions so far, I'm effective I'm not the only one questioning that. You need to man up and decide:

1) What do YOU want in your heart? (Forget everything else and the fallout for now, and check your inner self because THAT is at bottom what you are going to continue to pursue.)
2) How can you minimize the damage you have done? (Again, can you be faithful and true, and make a remain in effect?)
3) If you choose to stay with your wife, you need to pursue some legal custody arrangements for yourself for your children...is she prosperous to support this? Will she be good to your children? If not, then you better do a reality check before you create more of a nightmare than you already have.
4) If you decamp your wife, do you want to marry the mother of your children? Maybe you do, or maybe you would be better on your own, and sharing upbringing with her.

Whatever you do, do it soon. The people you say you love don't deserve to continue dealing with this mess you have created.
I in actuality wish you the best, and I hope that you will look ahead to possible consequences before you act in the future.